Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Attempting a Thaw
Ok, this one is going to be a little tricky to write, partly because it's fairly personal and partly because some people with knowledge of the situation are likely to be reading it. With that being said, I'll use as much candor as I think is appropriate to relate the story in such a way that my thoughts and reflections will have meaning.
Today I decided that it was time to attempt to create a thaw in an old relationship. Many of us, I imagine, have events from the past that may have caused hurt feelings and damaged or broken relationships. And these events, absent any efforts to the contrary, tend to get frozen in time, like a ship stuck in an Arctic ice floe. Years go by, and our lives progress, but these events remain forever stuck in an inpenetrable time capsule.
I have one of those events and it really doesn't matter why it happened or who was at fault. Our versions of the past will likely never agree, and that's OK. To begin to thaw that relationship only requires a kind and genuine spirit, and a willingness to go forward and not back.
Working from that place, today I sent a note to someone offering to begin a relationship anew. I explained my desire to reconnect and suggested some times and dates where we might begin to do that. Since relationships require more than one person, and I can only control my own actions, I don't know how my advances will be perceived and whether or not they'll be accepted.
In a weird kind of way, extending myself to someone I know well is much more difficult than extending myself to a stranger. I suppose with a stranger, if it goes awkwardly or is unsuccessful, I know I'll likely never see that person again anyway. One thing is similar, though, in both situations: the only thing I can control is me - my thoughts, my spirit, my intentions, and my actions. This year is about teaching myself to go through my days with a more intentional heart of kindness, and while I'm observing and reflecting upon what happens, I'm also letting go of any judgments or expectations about what might happen. Only time will tell.