Thoughts on the First Month

     Well today marks the end of the first full month of my kindness project, so it's a pretty good time to reflect a bit and share some of my thoughts and observations.  Including my 3-day headstart, I've now had 34 days of doing a wide variety of intentional acts of kindness.  Some of involved money and some haven't; some have been for strangers and others for people I know; some have been anonymous and others known; and some have been totally spontaneous while others have been more planned.  I've learned something from all of them.  Let me start with today's act/lesson, and then reflect on the month as a whole.

     I was once again at Wegman's today (this will happen a lot this year!), and as I was about to enter the store, I saw an elderly man coming out, struggling with what appeared to be two heavier bags.  I approached him and asked if I could assist him with his bags.  He declined my offer, saying "I got it."  While I would have liked to have been able to help him, the incident left me thinking about two things.

     First, I noticed that, because of this kindness project, I'm so much more conscious of looking for people who might need help and extending myself to help them.  While in the past I might occasionally do such a thing, it would only have been in situations that were much more obvious.  Now, I'm actually looking for those opportunities.

     Second, I've been noticing people's mixed reactions to offers of help.  I think today's refusal to accept help seemed to me to be more about pride; and I totally understand and respect that.  When someone offers to do something for me, my first kneejerk reaction is almost always to decline the offer, even if I could use the help.  I think it has something to do with both pride, and an attitude that getting help is somehow a sign of weakness.  Intellectually, I know that's not true, but emotionally, many of us have been somehow socialized that way.

    There have been other times this month where people have rebuffed my attempts at kindness, albeit for other reasons.  Remember the crossing guard who didn't want hot chocolate, or the older woman who didn't want flowers, or the man on Main Street who didn't want a Starbucks gift card?  I think all of these had more to do with distrust, or at least discomfort, with a stranger.  Over the coming months, I'll be giving more thought to how to lessen that potential discomfort  and whether or not there are things I can do to influence people's response.

     As I look back over the month as a whole, I can honestly say that I'm having a lot of fun, though certainly there are times where I feel some pressure to think of something to do.  I definitely find myself in a more consistently positive, optimistic, generous frame of mind than ever before.  Perhaps most surprising, but rewarding, has actually been the response from my many readers.  There are an average of more than 200 people reading my posts each day, and they're from 9 different countries in addition to the U.S.  I've gotten many e-mails from people telling me that they're not only enjoying the stories, but more importantly, letting me know that my project is having a meaningful impact on them.  I guess this kindness stuff really does spread, which is certainly a big part of what this year is about. 

     I want to thank you for joining me on this journey and ask you to share my blog with as many of your friends, family members, and co-workers as possible.  As the calendar turns to February tomorrow, I'm excited to discover what's in store!

    

More Thankfulness

     One of the best ways we can show kindness is to take time to appreciate those who've had a positive influence on us, or our families.  Throughout this year, I intend to do a better job of recognizing those people and letting them know of my appreciation, usually through handwritten thank you notes.  Today was one of those days.

     I was thinking about my son today, as he's literally on the other side of the globe on a mission trip to 11 different countries over 11 months.  Right now he's in Uganda.  A little more than 2 years ago, he left for the University of Alabama, which certainly seemed and felt like a long way from home (though nothing compared to Uganda!).  As any parents of college children know, it can be difficult to send your child off into the world on their own, especially a first child, and especially when it's far away.

     Not surprisingly, Ben did fine on his own and managed to build a successful world around him with a positive peer group and a number of good adult role models.  I'm particularly appreciative of a number of professors, administrators, and community leaders that seem to have taken a keen interest in Ben and have proven to be big supporters of his in a variety of ways - well beyond the classroom and school environment.  Today I sent a thank you note to one of those people, letting them know how much I appreciate their support. 

     One thing I've been noticing a lot lately is that when I "reverse roles", it helps me to understand how much certain gestures can mean.  I mentioned this in yesterday's post, as well.  Realizing how much it means to me to receive a well thought out thank you note from someone I may have impacted reminds me how much it means to someone else when I do the same.  Realizing how much it means for a friend to call or visit reminds me that they value and appreciate my taking the time to call or visit them.  Realizing how much I appreciate a call from my children just to say hello, reminds me to be better about calling my own parents.  I suppose it's just another way of helping me to get out of my own private world in my head, and connect to the larger world around me.

    

Making Someone's Day a Little Brighter

     Last week I ordered some business cards to make it easier to give people my blog address and contact information.  On the bottom of the card, I wrote the following question, "What can you do today to make someone else's day just a little bit brighter?"  In a simple way, I think it captures the essense of intentional acts of kindness.  It's about thinking of someone else and purposely doing something to make their day better.  Today I focused on that thought as I did my act of kindness.

     I have a friend who had some pretty significant dental surgery on Friday - the kind that had to be pretty painful and would surely lead to some days of discomfort in the recovery process.  Yesterday I made sure to send her a note to ask how she was doing and to let her know that I was thinking of her.  Today I decided to bring her some things to brighten her day and to stop in for a brief visit. 

     Before going to her house, I stopped and bought a nice bouquet of colorful flowers.  Then I went to Target and picked out a big and complex jigsaw puzzle as I know that she enjoys working on challenging ones.  Not that she doesn't have anything to do, but puzzles can be a fun distraction when we're laid up for a few days and are in discomfort.

     I was intending to just say a brief hello and drop off the gifts, not wanting to intrude, especially if she was hurting.  As it turned out, she was improving and she invited me in for a visit.  It was good to catch up with her as we hadn't seen each other in awhile.  It's certainly easier to stay in our own little worlds rather than reaching out to check on and/or visit friends.  When I reverse roles, though, and think of how I would appreciate someone reaching out to me, it reminds me that the effort is worthwhile and meaningful.

What's In A Name?

     A few weeks ago I was at a doctor's office, and after the exam he proceeded to dictate the treatment notes into a laptop that was sitting on a desk in the room.  As I listened to him describe "the patient's" condition, and the recommendations he made to "the patient", it seemed to me that this was a bit dehumanizing, as it tended to objectify me as "the patient" instead of describing me as a real person named David.  I've been thinking a lot about this topic since that day, and my ruminations have led me to resolve to be different.

     As I went out to do some errands today, I made a commitment to myself that I would use people's specific names at every opportunity that I could.  I had a bunch of chances to practice this just in one trip to Wegman's.  Pretty much everyone there (and this seems to be true in most retail establishments these days) wears a nametag that displays their first name.  When I went to the deli counter to buy some lunch meat, I said thank you to Megan.  When I was helped at the butcher's counter, I made sure to thank Mike for his assistance.  And when I went through the checkout line, I wished Mia a good day. 

     While this may seem like a small detail, I think it has an effect on both me and the person whose name I'm using.  For the other person, it's a form of acknowledgement that I see them as a unique individual, and not simply a checkout person or deli counter person.  I've often heard that people's favorite word in any language is their own name and that we even have a biological response to the sound of our name.  Using their name helps them feel more valued, and less objectified.

     Just as important, though, is the effect it has on me.  I think when I call the person by name, it reminds me in a very fundamental way that they're a person with their own unique story.  They have a family, they have likes and dislikes, they have hopes and dreams and fears and all the things that are part of being human.  A deli counter person is just a worker paid to process my order; but Megan is a real person with whom I can connect and for whom I can show kindness.   

     I know that I can sometimes be guilty of being too focused on the transaction, even when doing an act of kindness, and not enough on the human connection. As I go through this year and do my various acts of kindness, I want to learn to be better about making those connections.  Using people's names whenever possible is a good start.

Advice For a Friend

     I received an e-mail last week from the wife of an old friend, asking if I would be willing to have lunch with her as she wanted to "pick my brain" regarding some business issues.  Since I don't really know her that well, I was a little surprised that she reached out to me, but I replied that I'd be glad to help in any way that I can (especially if it was over lunch!).  We scheduled it for today and I met her at an Italian restaurant in Philadelphia, curious to learn more.

     Without going into all the details, her problem involved how to get a group of people to coalesce around the possibility of combining a number of separate businesses into one larger entity to gain certain strategic advantages.  She had some vision of where she wanted to go, but had no idea how to succesfully move the group from Point A to Point B.  As I listened and began to understand the various dynamics, I was able to offer a useful (I think!) framework for how to think about and approach the problem, and I provided her with some suggested next steps on the path to a solution.

     As I left the lunch and began the drive home, I was struck by how confusing and difficult this all seemed to her, and how straightforward and clear it seemed to me.  It also had me thinking about a new book that my brother, Larry, shared with me just yesterday.  It's the latest work by Marcus Buckingham, called StandOut.  The core message of the book is that we each have certain natural strengths and that when we focus on leveraging those strengths (vs. trying to shore up our weaknesses), we achieve the most success and we make our biggest contribution - to our families, to our companies, and even to the world.  The book provides an assessment tool to help you recognize your greatest strengths and then provides additional insight into how best to leverage them.

     So what does all this have to do with intentional acts of kindness?  Not surprisingly, my greatest asset is my ability to discern patterns where others see complexity, and to organize chaos in a logical, orderly way that's useful and easy for others to understand.  I've helped many people over the years in significant, sometimes life-altering ways, using this skill.  While offering flowers to a stranger or shoveling someone's driveway is fun and no doubt meaningful, my biggest impact will likely be when I use my natural strengths to help others see a situation with greater clarity. 

     I mention this thought not because I intend to abandon doing simple gestures of kindness every day, but simply because it's the result of my current reflection and is just one of the learnings I'm gleaning from my experiences.  Having said that, I'll continue to enjoy, appreciate, and take satisfaction from all the various acts of kindness, wherever, however, and to whomever I do them.  All are worthwhile and all have lessons for me to learn.

    

    

Surprise in the Mail / Paying It Forward

     A number of years ago I saw the movie Pay It Forward, and it instantly became one of my favorites.  The movie, starring Kevin Spacey, is based on a book that was written by Catherine Ryan Hyde about a middle school student who, as part of a school project, starts a movement where people repay kindnesses by doing something nice for 2 other people, thereby "paying it forward" rather than paying it "back."  It's a brilliant idea on so many different levels and I've been thinking lately about how I can inject a little more "pay it forward" into some of my kindness acts.  I was able to do that, albeit in a subtle way, today.  Here's what happened.

     I decided I would take a couple of the Starbucks gift cards that I had purchased almost a month ago and anonymously use them to spread some good will; but I wanted to include a "pay it forward" element.  So I went to my computer and typed a note that said: "Please enjoy this small gift from an anonymous stranger simply wanting to spread more happiness and joy."  Then I added the following line on the bottom of the page: "What can you do today to make someone else's day just a little bit brighter?"  I printed off 2 copies of the note, folded each one into an envelope together with a Starbucks gift card, put a stamp on them, and got into my car.

     I wanted to mail the envelopes to 2 random people so I drove through town and simply picked two houses by chance.  I addressed each envelope to "Resident" and wrote the addresses I had chosen, with no return address, and then dropped them off at the post office.  I have no idea whose houses they were and probably will never know how they react; but I'm hoping it made each of their days a little better, and that they might choose to pay it forward in some way by making someone else's day a little brighter.

     Earlier today, I was talking about my project with someone and they commented that it would be great to be able to trace what happens with all these acts of kindness and how it impacts people.  While I certainly do think about that, and it would be fascinating, and perhaps even satisfying to know, I've really tried to let go of any attachment to results.  I've already seen how people can react so differently to the same situation, but trying to make sense of their reactions isn't my objective.  My two main goals remain to 1) cultivate a heart of kindness by doing daily intentional acts of kindness for their own sake, and 2) observe, reflect, and record what I learn, mostly about myself, in the process.  If I do have a third goal, it's to inspire others, principally through my blog, to increase the kindness they put into their own worlds.

   

A Dozen Good Thoughts

     Over the past few weeks, I've received many e-mails from various people letting me know that they were enjoying reading my stories, and more importantly, that the blog posts were giving them a daily dose of inspiration that was having a positive impact on both their outlook as well as their actions.  Of course I'm thrilled to hear that, and it got me thinking about the role that regular positive messages can have on us.  And that led me to initiate a different type of intentional act of kindness today.  Here's what I did:

     Since the internet is the fast and easy source for just about everything these days, I sat down and Googled "postive quotes" and I began to scan tons of websites dedicated to spreading optimistic, encouraging words.  I took out some index cards and began to write down some of my favorites.  When I had 12 good ones that I especially liked, I put the index cards in my pocket and headed for our local library.

     I had decided that it would be fun (and beneficial) for unsuspecting people to suddenly come across a positive, life-affirming message in a place where they least expected it.  So I strolled through the rows of shelves and randomly placed each of my index cards between books, leaving them jutting out just enough to be noticed when someone is browsing.  I have no idea whether they'll all be discovered within a few days, a few weeks, or a few months; and who knows what people will make of the mysterious cards?!  Hopefully each one will give the discoverer a moment of pause and reflection as they ponder the message on the card they found.  And hopefully it will bring a smile to their face - a smile that positively affects the people and events that make up the rest of their day.

Groceries For Those In Need

     For many years, I served on the Board of a large community social service agency in our area.  One of the impacts of my role, was that I became more aware of a large segment of people and families who struggle daily with mental and emotional illness, substance abuse, poverty, homelessness, and a host of other issues that make managing even the routine parts of their day-to-day lives a real challenge.  Today I decided to make a small difference for at least a few of those families.

     I knew that providing transitional housing for people who were temporarily homeless was one of the many services this agency provided, and I knew that these people often lacked some of life's basic necessities, so I called the agency's development director to see how I could help.  It seems that these families are often put up in small hotels until more suitable, longer-term housing can be found.  Since they have little money for food and almost no cooking facilities, they depend on things like simple, prepackaged or microwaveble meals, soups, canned fruits and vegetables, etc. -  so grocery donations can make a big difference.

     Swinging by our local Target store, armed with a list of needed goods I got from my agency contact, I went grocery shopping for at least some of these items.  I bought things like frozen dinners, soups, apple sauce, cereal, bread, granola bars, peanut butter and jelly, mac and cheese, and bottles of water, to name just a few things.  It was honestly a little sad to picture a family sitting in a hotel room eating this stuff, but I felt good that at least I was able to provide something for them.

     When I was done shopping, I headed straight to the agency where I dropped off the items at their "food pantry" and then headed home to my beautiful house filled with whatever food I want.  This, of course, led to a variety of thoughts and reflections.

     Since a big part of my commitment this year is to notice and record my thoughts and reactions, I'll share a few of them here.  Not surprisingly, one of my first thoughts is always to be thankful for where I am and what I have.  After that, though, I sometimes get caught in contemplating whether any of this makes a difference.  I know that it's an easy trap to fall into - seeing the vastness of the "problem" and feeling like my shopping trip is not only tiny in its impact, but that I'm not doing anything at all about the underlying causes of the problems. It's then that I try to remind myself that this year is not about solving all, or even any, of the world's problems.  Rather, it's about cultivating a heart of kindness and each day simply finding a way to help another person.  I suppose it's the mindset that so many who are in helping professions must adopt to stay sane and productive - in a sense, keeping your head down and helping one person at a time.

     As I progress through this year, I also want to stay mindful to doing a mix of all types of gestures of kindness, for all kinds of different people; and I want to keep a steady balance between acts that require money (like today) and ones that don't (like shoveling snow).  They both have their place, and both will make up the tapestry of what this year ultimately becomes.

    

Neighbors Helping Neighbors

     Prompted by an e-mail from a friend, today I discovered an amazing website that really demonstrates the power of harnessing the generosity and compassion that neighbors have for each other.  I'm really excited to participate and to tell others about the site.  Let me share the story here.

     Last Thursday, a local woman was tragically killed in one of those bizarre, freak accidents that can sometimes happen on the roads.  Though I didn't know her personally, I've come to learn that she was a truly remarkable woman.  The mother of 2 teenage sons with autism, she was apparently a tireless advocate for the cause, and in fact, was to be honored by the local chapter of the national fundraising organization in the next 2 weeks.

     The e-mail that I received directed me to a website where I could sign up to bring a meal to the family to help ease their burden in this difficult time.  I'm familiar with the basic idea of having neighbors help out with food as we were once the recipient of this type of generosity when my wife had foot surgery many years ago.  My wife has also provided meals like these to others many, many times over the years. 

     What struck me so strongly about this website was both the concept and the participation.  The site was apparently created back in 2007 by someone who found that the task of coordinating meals through dozens of phone calls could become overwhelming.  So she created a site where people could go online, see all the details of what was needed, and then sign up to provide a meal.  The site,  TakeThemAMeal.com, is free and is available to anyone coordinating meals for somemone in need.  Be sure to check it out.  It's a brilliant idea and beautifully designed in its simplicity.

     When I logged in to the page for the particular family I've been describing, I saw the name and phone number of the coordinator, the address for the family, specific dietary restrictions, and then the schedule of nights where a meal was needed.  Incredibly, in just a few short days, there were already more than 35 different people who had signed up to bring them meals!  The earliest date that I could even sign up to help was some 6 weeks away!  I picked a date in March and entered the details of the food that I would bring, and then I also made a financial contribution to the website developers to help them defray their cost of develpment and support.

     While it's tragic to think of what the family must be going through, it's nonetheless heartwarming to see how quickly friends and neighbors can mobilize to help those in need.  Sometimes it just takes a mechanism like this website to facilitate the process and allow people's natural generosity to shine through.

    

    

    

Time For A Care Package

     Today was my day to send my first care package to the soldier I had "adopted" a number of weeks ago.  This is the person I wrote about in my post for January 6th as well as the one for January 14th.  My commitment as part of the Soldiers' Angels program is to send at least one letter each week and one care package each month throughout his deployment.

     Since I really wasn't sure what's needed, or for that matter appropriate, to send to a soldier overseas, I did a little internet research to look for advice and ideas.  Not surprisingly, I found a number of sites that not only had ideas, but also had pre-made packages ready for shipment.  In my letters, I've asked my soldier if there are particular things he'd like to receive, but since I haven't heard back yet, for now I'm relegated to putting together a somewhat generic package.

     To be honest, I had considerable debate in my mind as to whether it would be better for me to go shopping for items and construct my own package or whether it was perfectly fine to simply go with a pre-made one.  On the one hand, I felt like it would somehow be more meaningful if I went through the time and effort of putting it together myself.  On the other hand, I suppose what matters most for the soldier is simply receiving the items, and since I don't yet have any idea what he'd really like, the pre-made package seemed as good as anything I might do. 

     In the end, I went with the pre-made package.  It was a cold weather package that included a variety of items from warm sox to packaged soup and tea.  I did it through the Soldiers' Angels site which made it that much easier as well.  Hopefully I'll hear from my soldier before long and be able to tailer future packages more specifically to his needs and wants.  Incidentally, if you're interested, you don't have to have "adopted" a soldier in order to send a care package.  Through the Soldiers' Angels store, as well as several others, you can simply purchase and send a package to a random soldier and it can be done from you personally or even anonymously.  Check it out if you have the inclination.