Kindness and Forgiveness

        I read a blog post the other day from a writer who was identifying 15 things that happy people do differently from unhappy people.  The list included things like love vs. fear, trust vs. doubt, praising vs. criticizing, kindness vs. cruelty, and taking responsibility vs. blaming.  One of the items on the list that struck me as interesting, though not necessarily surprising, was "forgiveness vs. unforgiveness" (I'm not sure that's actually a word).  It got me thinking about the importance of both forgiving and asking for forgiveness, and prompted me to share the following story:

    Almost 17 years ago, I met someone on an Outward Bound wilderness adventure in the mountains of Montana.  The man lived in Minnesota and, when our trip was over, invited me to come visit he and his family if I were ever going to be in his part of the country.  While many people say things like this, I knew that he meant it.  

    Sure enough, over the following 10 or more years, I had a number of occasions to be going through Minnesota and I stayed with this friend and got to know his family well.  Our friendship blossomed and I always looked forward to the visits.  

     To make a long story short, something happened along the way to cause a break in that relationship and I've not seen or heard from him since.  In all honesty, I have no idea what it was and to this day, it hurts me to think that I inadvertently did something to cause the break.  I think of the family often and wish there were a way to repair whatever damage was done.

     Well today, I decided to try.  I wrote them a letter asking forgiveness for anything I may have done and for the chance to "clean up" whatever mess I/we may have made in the relationship.  I thought carefully about how to strike the appropriate tone and hope that it's received in the right way.  Time will tell, I suppose.

     I imagine many of us have similar relationship "messes" we may have created or at least contributed to.  Cleaning them up is likely to be as kind to the other people as it is to ourselves.  I can readily understand why this made the list of 15 things happy people do differently from unhappy people.  Wouldn't the world be a happier and kinder place if we could ask for and grant forgiveness to each other?

    

Time and Kindness

     This morning was our official "opening day" tournament at the club where I play golf, Riverton Country Club.  The tournament was to start at 8:30 and so I wanted to be there by 7:45 to hit some balls and warm up first.  Unfortunately, after all the flight delays I had last night, I didn't arrive home until around 1:15 a.m., so I was moving pretty slowly this morning.  By the time I left my house it was already pushing 8:00.  I had thought about buying a whole bunch of hot pretzels to give to all the caddies but that would have taken me in the opposite direction and I wasn't sure I could make it in time.

     Fortunately, there's a Dunkin' Donuts on the way to the club, so I stopped in there and bought a ton of those "munchkin" donut holes for them to enjoy.  When I swung into the bag drop area, I gave them to one of the caddies and he put them in the "shack" where they gather before going on the course.  It wasn't a big deal -- just a simple gesture of appreciation for their efforts.

     As I was driving toward the club debating whether or not I had time to get pretzels, donuts, or nothing at all, it occurred to me how much time can factor into our willingness to be kind.  Often, when we're rushing, not only do we not want to take the time to go out of our way to help another person, but we're often annoyed at others because they become obstacles slowing us down from getting where we're trying to go.  If I had seen someone with a flat tire, or someone who needed a ride, or even just directions, I might not have stopped to help because I was behind schedule.  However, if I saw the same need but had plenty of time, I would be much more likely to stop and offer my help.  

     I tend to be pretty careful about punctuality and making sure I'm where I say I'll be when I say I'll be there.  However, I often seem to be pushing the envelope because I end up leaving my house just a shade later than I intend.  This doesn't allow much room for unexpected kindness.  I'll be curious to see how my response to kindness opportunities changes when I do a better job of giving myself more time.

Kindness on the Road

   As I was traveling home from Little Rock through Charlotte and on to Philadelphia today, there was no shortage of opportunities to be kind.  Among the things I did intentionally today, I’ll mention three of them here:

     As is usually the case, the boarding process for my flight began with those needing special assistance.  On the first leg of the trip there was an older woman who had great difficulty walking.  She was wheeled down the ramp and then slowly made her way onto the plane.  When I took my seat, I found that I was only one row in front of her.  Noticing that she had struggled to put her handbag in the overhead compartment above her, I made a mental note to be sure to help retrieve her bag when the plane landed.  Sure enough, I was able to quickly reach it for her when we arrived in Charlotte.  She seemed surprised, not thinking that anyone had noticed or would go out of their way to help. Hopefully I was able to make her travels just a tiny bit easier.

     When we landed in Charlotte, I navigated my way through the airport to the gate for my next flight.  On my way, I passed a mother taking a picture of her young daughter, as if it might have been her first trip to an airport.  I stopped and offered to take a picture of the two of them, to which the mother readily agreed.

     My third act was really a series of acts.  More specifically, I made a point to look at the nametag of each worker that I encountered and to use their name in conversation, even if it was simply to thank them.  This included several TSA employees in Little Rock, the gate personnel at each airport, and the flight attendants on each flight.  I’ve talked about the importance of using people’s names before and am always struck by the way in which it changes the quality of a routine exchange.  The other person magically becomes a real human, instead of just a role.  It’s such a simple gesture, but it does seem to inject a bit of humanity into the mostly impersonal process of moving millions of people from one place to another.

     I want to take a moment to thank the many people who wrote me e-mails and posted comments about yesterday’s story of Jeff, the world’s most amazing men’s room attendant.  He truly was remarkable and an inspiration.  Please also continue to share this blog with family, friends, and co-workers who you think might benefit from reading daily stories of kindness.

A Surprise in the Men's Room?

      I’m sitting in the airport in Charlotte waiting to board a plane to Little Rock, Arkansas and though I may not get to post this until later tonight, I’m so excited about an experience I had this morning that I need to write about it right now. Here’s what happened:

    My flight from Philadelphia arrived here a good 45 minutes early so I have plenty of time before my next flight departs.  After departing the airplane, I stopped at the nearest men’s room.  In most the of restrooms in the Charlotte airport, they have attendants who hand out paper towels and things like that, and of course, they have a tip jar sitting there.  I usually find this a bit annoying since I can get my own paper towels and don’t like feeling obligated to leave a tip for something I didn’t need or want.  This time it was different though.

     Everyone who walked in was met with the most enthusiastic greeting by the attendant.  Wearing a name tag that read "Jeffrey", he smiled and joked with everyone and seemed to be about the happiest guy I had ever seen.  I don’t know that I’ve ever seen someone so full of genuine joy.  I made a little small talk with him and then was on my way.  As I headed on the fairly lengthy walk to the E terminal for my next flight, I couldn’t stop thinking about how unusual this man was.  It occurred to me that I was missing an opportunity to meet someone special and so I turned around and headed all the way back to where I had been 10 minutes earlier.

     When I got there I introduced myself to Jeff and told him that I was so impressed with his enthusiasm and wanted to know more about him and his attitude.  He told me that he figures “heaven and hell are right here on earth” and he “might as well choose heaven.”  “There ain’t no other way,” he said.  He told me that he just chooses to spread love every day.  “I could be shoveling *&^%* and I’d do it great,” he explained.  He truly was a remarkable man.  As I gave him my Kindness card and told him that I wanted to write about him, a man who had overheard our conversation walked by and told Jeff that he was inspiring a lot of people.  He said that while I was going to write about him, he was going to tell his team at work about Jeff!  I gave Jeff a healthy tip and we shook hands.

     After writing all this, I realized that I should have gotten a picture of him.  So I walked all the way back one more time (!) and he posed for the picture I’ve included with this post.  I was hoping he’d be around when I pass through again tomorrow night so I could learn more, but he told me that he’s off on Fridays and Saturdays.

     There’s so much that’s great about this story.  Of course, the heart of it is Jeff and what we can all learn from him.  I’ve often said that greatness is a choice.  Jeff makes that choice each and every day.  As he noted, he’d choose to be great no matter what he was doing.  Kindness is also a choice.  Like greatness, we all have the ability to make that choice regardless of our job, our age, our socio-economic status, our religion, our nationality or anything else.  It’s simply a choice we make.  And it’s a daily choice.  No matter what choices we may have made in the past, we can choose to be kind today.

     The other thing that was significant about this story was that I didn’t let the opportunity to get to know Jeff pass me by.  I almost did.  I met him the first time and left without making the effort to connect in a deeper and more personal way.  After all, he was just the attendant in a men’s room in the Charlotte airport.  And I was already 10 minutes away by the time I started to consider it more seriously.  It would have been much easier to simply keep going. 

     But to think of Jeff as just a “men’s room attendant” would be completely missing the point.  He’s an amazing, energetic, enthusiastic, soulful man who’s making the world a better place every single day.  And I’m better for having gotten to know him just a bit. 

     One final thought from this morning’s encounter:  I wonder how many other times we “label” people by their job and, as a result, fail to truly consider the fullness of their humanity.  I’m going to try to be better about that in the future.

Responding in the Moment

     As I think about the acts of kindness that I've done this year, it occurs to me that they can broadly be divided into two "buckets."  Many of them I might call "surprises" in that I offered a totally unexpected kindness to someone, often a complete stranger.  Providing a Starbucks gift card, giving someone flowers, bringing hot chocolate to school crossing guards, or delivering pretzels to the firehouse all fit into this category.  Other acts, while they still might not be expected, are done as a direct response to a perceived need.  Driving a cancer patient to a doctor's appointment, helping someone with their groceries, buying diapers and baby supplies for teen mothers, or even picking up trash at a playground are all examples of this.

     Each type of act has its own impact (and its own reward).  It's fun to light up someone's face and really make their day with a surprise gesture of kindness.  It can change their whole orientation to the world which, in turn, can change what they do.  On the other hand, there's nothing quite like seeing a need that I can fill, and just going with it.  Often it's catching someone at a vulnerable point and doing something to make a difference.

     Today's act was a very simple gesture that was a response to seeing a need. I was coming out of a 7-11 store and as I approached my car I noticed an older, heavyset woman struggling to the curb.  She had trouble walking and, believe it or not, negotiating the high curb that separated the parking lot from the sidewalk in front of the store was a major challenge.  Seeing her struggle, I immediately walked over and offered my help.  I let her lean on my shoulder and assisted her up to the sidewalk.  She was so appreciative of the help and thanked me several times.  It was one of those small moments that really are the essence of kindness.  It was also a good reminder that we don't have to do anything creative or magical or expensive.  Simply looking out for one another and offering a helping hand when needed can be more powerful and meaningful than a more elaborate gesture.

Skipping Lunch

     When I set up the rules for my kindness project, I noted that most of the time I wanted to help people directly, rather than simply making a donation to a cause, however worthy it might be.  From time to time, however, I'm OK with a donation, particularly when it's a really cool organization.  I want to tell you about one of those organizations today because it's such a brilliant, but simple, idea.  That organization is called Skip1.  Here's a link to their website.

     Skip1 provides money for food and clean water projects around the world.  The money is donated by thousands of people who decide to "skip 1" thing that they would normally do, and put the money they saved toward these projects instead.  People can skip anything from a meal out to a Starbucks coffee to a round of golf to a pair of shoes or a massage or a haircut or virtually anything else.  Everyone can certainly skip something one time, and that's the beauty of the idea.  You get to choose what's right and appropriate for you, but we all can do it regardless of our circumstances.

     As I was on my way home from a meeting that lasted all morning today, I was hungry and was thinking about stopping somewhere for a bite to eat.  Instead, I decided to "skip" it, eat something we already had at home, and donate the money to help feed others through this organization.  What an easy way to make a difference!

     Over these last few months I've been amazed to learn about a growing network of people and organizations that are spreading kindness and goodwill throughout the world.  While the news so often focuses on all that's wrong, there are so many generous people doing truly remarkable things to make a positive difference.  From time to time I'll share some of those with you, as it's both heartwarming and inspiring.

Sharing Some Insights

     A couple of weeks ago, I received an e-mail from a former business contact asking if I might be willing to meet for coffee or lunch one day.  Though I didn't know what the purpose of our conversation was, I was more than willing to meet.  There have been so many people who have been willing to share with me throughout my career, that I'm usually agreeable to meet with almost anyone with hardly a second thought.  Today was our day to meet.

     The person I met with is roughly the same age as me and owns his own business.  He's wrestling with a variety of strategic options and wanted to better understand some of what I went through over the past several years as I considered (and ultimately completed) the sale of our business, and as I transitioned to a new phase of my life.  I know how helpful it can be to hear from other similarly situated people who may have already experienced what you have yet to face.  It's hard to beat the wisdom that comes only from experience.  For this reason, I'm usually particularly open, honest, and transparent when engaging in these types of conversations; and I certainly was that way today.

     I think our conversation was helpful for this person, and I offered to assist in any way that I can in the future.  I suspect it was comforting to him to know that there is guidance available as he tries to navigate his own path.  I had also promised to send him some addition information that I thought would prove helpful and I did this as soon as I got home.

     Conversations like these are fun for me as they give me a chance to "pay forward" some of the kindness which was extended to me at critical points in my own career.  Hopefully this person will do the same for another somewhere down the road.  He is that kind of person so I would expect he's likely to do so . . . and another wave of kindness will have been sent out into the world.

By the way, I did drop off those diapers  today at the non-profit social service agency I mentioned in last night's post, and I also filled out an application to do some volunteer work for them.  

Making a Diaper Run

     Sometimes people ask me how far in advance I plan my acts of kindness.  The answer is that most of the time when I wake up in the morning, I don't yet know what I'll do.  Sometimes an idea comes to me during the day, and sometimes I simply respond to a situation I see.  Today I decided that it might be nice to buy diapers that I could donate to a non-profit social service agency I know that helps teen mothers, among many others.  I'm honestly not sure why that idea popped into my head this morning, but it did -- so I went with it.

     On my way home from enjoying some golf (yes, that's a recurring theme) on this sunny but windy day, I swung by a local Walmart store figuring they'd likely have some good deals on larger quantities of diapers.  It does feel a little weird for me to buy diapers, partly because it's been so many years since our kids were of that age, and partly because I think my wife usually bought them way back then.  I didn't even know how sizing works, much less anything else.  In any event, I bought 3 large boxes, one each for size 3, 4, and 5.  Even at a Walmart, they weren't cheap and it amazes me to think how difficult it must be for many young families, let alone teen mothers, to afford this virtual necessity.  Tomorrow afternoon I'll drop the diapers off at the agency so they can quickly get into the appropriate hands.

     Last night, I had the pleasure of being interviewed for a national audience on Fox News Channel (still trying to get the link for that video).  One of the questions the host asked me was whether it made me feel good to do these acts of kindness.  Of course the answer was "yes", but it got me thinking more deeply about this phenomenon.  I would suppose that it's universally true across virtually all of humankind that we feel good when we do a kindness for others.  In fact, some research suggests that it's one of the key components in creating our own happiness.  

     I wonder if there's a biological purpose to this.  Much like sex feels good probably in order to promote procreation, might it be the case that doing kind things for others feels good to promote a more cohesive or cooperative society?  There's no question that when people are kind to each other things tend to run more smoothly and successfully than when people are mean, angry, or vindictive.  Maybe we're really biologically programmed to be kind and the good feelings we get when we do so are a form of biological feedback that tells us we're on the right path.  An interesting thought to contemplate.  I welcome your thoughts and comments.

   

Say It With Pretzels

     Every Easter in our town, the volunteer firefighters from one particular station hold a flower sale to raise money for their annual activities.  We always try to support them and, in fact, just yesterday my wife brought home some flowers she bought there.  Volunteer firefighters are certainly some of the most amazingly selfless people in this world.  Think about what it must be like to stop whatever you're doing on a moment's notice to dash off and put yourself in sometimes dangerous situations - all for no compensation other than the satisfaction of knowing you're helping to protect your community.  Well today I decided to do just a small gesture to say "thank you."

     On Main Street in Moorestown we have a great Philly Hot Pretzel place where you can get the best soft pretzels literally right out of the oven.  As if to prove my point, when I stopped by there this afternoon, I had to wait 5 minutes or so because the next batch of pretzels were still baking.  When they were done, I bought 15 piping hot pretzels and drove over to the firehouse where the flower sale was being held.

     Milling around were 6 or 7 firefighters, looking like they had probably been working the flower sale since first thing in the morning.  I walked up to one of them and told him that I wanted to thank them for all their efforts on our behalf, and I gave him the bag of hot pretzels.  As you might imagine, that immediately got the attention of the rest of the crew as it was near lunch time and they were probably all pretty hungry.  Leaving them to enjoy the unexpected treat, I slipped out and headed on my way to run some other errands.

     I find that these types of small gestures are really fun to do.  They're so unexpected, and perhaps for this reason, so appreciated.  It never hurts to say thank you -- especially with pretzels (!) -- to those who do so much for our community.

     

Cleaning Up Trash

     It was a beautiful Spring day today so I decided it would be a good to spend some time outdoors cleaning up trash from a playground.  I had arranged to play golf with some friends mid-morning, and since I would be passing an area park on my way home from the course, I figured that would be as good a place as any for my act of kindness.  Knowing this was my afternoon plan, I threw a pair of work gloves and a plastic trash bag into my car as I headed out.
     When I pulled into the playground parking lot and got out of my car, the first thing I noticed was some loose change lying on the ground.  I picked up the change and put it in my pocket, figuring if I found the right young person, I could give it to them as a surprise treat.  With my gloves on and my bag in hand, I began to work my way through the parking lot toward the playground, picking up trash as I walked.

     It's surprising that even an area that looks reasonably clean at first glance is often strewn with more trash than you can imagine.  When you're there to clean it up, you start to notice it everywhere you look.  I picked up tons of empty bottles, cigarette butts, hamburger wrappers, loose papers, straws, bottle caps and a variety of other discarded items.  It truly is hard to imagine how people can simply toss their trash on the ground, especially when there are lots of garbage cans distributed throughout the entire park.  Regardless, I've worked hard to refrain from judgments as I do my acts of kindness and today was no exception.  Other than that brief thought which was more curiosity than judgment, I just focused on picking up what was there.  I probably spent 45-60 minutes cleaning up and filled most of a garbage bag.
     By the way, I did find a cute young girl playing on the seesaw to whom I offered the loose change.  She was so happy to accept it.  The best thing though, was that 20 minutes later she brought me some trash that she had picked up to be thrown into my bag!  Perhaps my simple example had a meaningful impact on her.


Incidentally, my project has received some nice coverage lately.  For those who may not have seen the article in the Philadelphia Inquirer on Wednesday, here's a link to it.  Also, the project was featured on CBS Eyewitness News this evening. Here's a link to that piece.