Checking the Ego at the Door

     For a few months, off and on, I've been working with an amazing friend trying to help him to achieve greater clarity about his career and to better articulate his personal mission.  There are a whole lot of reasons why this is important that I won't go into here, but it's been a fun and rewarding exercise, and I know it's been helpful to him.  

     That project has now expanded to include several others and I'm excited to see the result of the synergies that are being brought together.  Yesterday we were able to meet again and continue to make progress.  I'm always happy to make my home available as a good meeting place.

     When I was running my company, one of our most important operating principles (we called them our "Fundamentals") was to "check the ego at the door."  This means focusing on the best ideas and not being so concerned with image or being too concerned with pushing for your own idea.  In the context of this project, it's been awesome to see the way each person has been able to make contributions without any personal/ego investment. In other words, we're all interested in the same thing - coming up with the best work, and nothing else matters.  It's so refreshing to be able to work this way, and so much more productive as well.

     In many respects, I think this mirrors the focus of kindness.  In its "purest" form, kindness is really about a focus on others and how we can best serve them, rather than focusing on our own needs.  To be sure, there's nothing at all wrong, in my view, with gaining satisfaction or personal gratification as a result of doing something nice.  The difference is about purpose.  The purpose of kindness is to serve others.  Any corollary benefits are really just icing on the cake - and to be enjoyed, of course!

Checking the Ego at the Door

     OK, this was a hard one.  Today, I wrote a very kind e-mail to someone who, quite honestly, didn't deserve it.  It really tested my ability to "check my ego at the door" and to focus on the positive.  Let me try to explain:

     Two years ago, my son Ben was in a small fender-bender in Cherry Hill.  A school bus bumped into the back of a car, which bumped another car, which bumped still another car, which bumped Ben who was stopped for traffic.  It was no big deal, the bus driver claimed responsibility, and their insurance company promptly took care of the minor damages.  Recently though, we received notice that the second person in line is suing everyone else, including Ben, and including me!

     Our insurance company has assigned an attorney to handle our defense and she has been incredibly frustrating to deal with.  Despite having told her on multiple occasions that Ben is out of the country until June, she keeps calling for him to set an appointment for depositions.  Her work is sloppy and I can never leave her a message because her voicemail box is always full.  

     In the conversation I had with her today, I let my frustration show too much. I was short and less than pleasant with her.  I really don't like working with her and I don't like her tone.  Having said all that, I did not handle the call in the most effective way.

     After thinking about it for awhile, I decided to write this woman an e-mail apologizing for the way I handled the call and pledging my cooperation on what needs to get done.  As I agonized over the best wording for the e-mail, I found myself stuck on the feeling that this woman was obnoxious, patronizing, and annoying.  She was clearly "at fault" and I had every right to feel angry with her. I felt like I needed to be honest and "set her straight."  And yet, what purpose would this serve?  Would it be more likely to help or hurt?  Would it make her more or less likely to work hard on my behalf?  Perhaps most importantly, would it be kind?

     I'm reminded of something I once read in a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer.  He was commenting on our obsession with being "right" and he posed the question, "Is it more important to be right or to be kind?"  The more convinced we are that we're right, and the more justifiable our complaint, the more we want to voice it or act upon it.  I know I'm that way.  It takes an incredible submerging of our ego to let go of having to be right.  What difference does it really make that I was "right" and this woman was "wrong?"  I still need her assistance, and I'm clearly more likely to get her best work if I focus on being kind.

     It seems to me that when deciding upon a course of action, I can be a slave to my need to be right, or I can release myself from this slavery and focus on what will spread the most kindness.  I'll be honest . . . it's much harder than it sounds.  But I'm committed to the path of kindness.